I can feel the reaction already coming from current pregnant women, my wife, mothers and those women who keep saying "My children are beautiful and special" as their toddler uses their hair to swing around a room in a bid to recreate a scene from Tarzan and have also embraced their expressionist artistic side via the medium of finger painting on the living room wall.
This blog is all about why Pregnant Women are hard work. And before you take my head off, please read. There might be a few harsh realities or moments where you go..."you know what, I did that".
They have a short fuse, are easily irritable and have a tiny temper
Let's just get to it and throw the cat amongst the pigeons as they say. Pregnant women can (and I stress can, not always the case) become walking hormonal balls of anger, fury and rage which could explode on some poor soul at any time.
Even those serene yogi pregnant women you see on Instagram and are named "Rain,...hi, my name is Rain. I have my own kiln and my dress is made out of wheat", are sure to have moments where they lose it. "Ah fuck, I swear to god, ahhh, why the fuck can't I do Tree Pose!"
Now I'll say this, I do love to wind up my wife. It gives me great joy. She knows I wind her up and I'm always thinking of ways to do such. But since she's become pregnant, let's just say her fuse is now, quiet small.
Want to know how small? About the size of your manhood after a swim in the Atlantic in the middle of winter with nothing but your budgy smugglers on.
What normally would just get an eye roll from wife has been replaced with expletives and the fact she is now "ODD"! (A Cork phrase for being annoyed for my international...reader... unless I have more than one, if so say hi).
She goes from calm to apocalyptic so quickly, that you may need to call the fire brigade to cool her down or to use the jaws of life to cut me out of the mess I've made for myself.
What I'm getting too gentleman/partners is to tread carefully with what you do and say. It's hard work to maintain this level of foresight. Especially if you fancied the last chocolate digestive and didn't realize that's all she's being thinking about at work for the day with her one solitary cup of tea.
I'll make this clear and simple. If your pregnant wife/partner makes and pregnancy joke about herself. It's good. It's funny. You laugh!
When you make a pregnancy joke about your wife's/partner's pregnancy. It's now bad. Not funny in any way. You must apologize, look for forgiveness and offer up some sort of sacrifice to appease the gods.
Most men, may think that they could do stand up comedy. Sure you (ladies) probably told them that "you're so funny", "you've such a great sense of humor", or "Stop making me laugh, my sides are hurting".
Now though. Well, let's just say a badly timed joke, a Dad Joke or even a brilliantly timed joke could unleash what we already talked about. To save you scrolling back up, let's just call it the 'Kracken'.
I'm telling you ladies, it's tough & hard work for us Dad's to contain these incredible Dad & Pregnancy Jokes.
Pregnant Women Cry for No Reason or Stupid Reasons
I'll say this, and my wife will agree. I'm useless around any crying woman. I'm honestly so shit at it, it's no joke. A woman cries and I'm like...
"eh, eh, eh think dammit, think. How can I help? I've got it, would you like a sausage roll? Right that didn't work, you know what will? I'll tap her a few times on the back and say there, there, there is always next week. Right, no joy with that move either, bloody sports background. Quick think, quickly, quickly. Ah-ha! Could I interest you in a game of Boggle?"
I feel I need to split this into 2 sections, "crying for no reason" & "My wife/partner cried because..."
My wife can back all of this up by the way. This is definitely an area of personal development for myself I feel. And I'm currently going through a crash course at the moment as pregnant women tend to shed a few tears for no fucking reason whatsoever, other than it's a Tuesday. Or they just start crying, turn to you and say "Why am I crying? I don't know why I'm crying?".
I know people are currently screaming at their phones, Hormones duh?? Which I'm all to aware of as their body changes.
But that doesn't mean it's not hard work sometimes trying to deal with a crying pregnant woman. It's hard to have and put conviction behind a statement like.
"I know babe, I totally get you and it's perfectly ok and natural to cry. It is a Tuesday"
My Wife/Partner Cried Because...
As I mentioned it's hard work making sure you don't either make your wife angry or cry by simply just being present in a room. I feel like the Dads/partners are walking a balance beam with that long pole in their hands. If they tip too much to one side it could make her cry, the other side she could rip your head off and you're just praying that the end of this pregnancy tight rope walk will be the woman you fell in love with saying "Sorry, I was just a bit crazy with the whole pregnancy. You forgive me? Here's a beer".
Anyway, this leads me onto, stuff My wife/partner cried because... (see full list below)
...They didn't have Doreen's Apple Tart in Centra.
...She didn't know what she wanted to eat. (This has happened more than once)
...I didn't rub her back the right way.
...She couldn't find the remote.
...I drank one of her non-alcoholic beers.
...the dog wouldn't leave her alone.
...the dog is not paying her attention.
...I order 2 meals from the Chinese when she thought 1 was enough for the 2 of us.
...because nothing fits her and she hates shopping.
...I suggested a summer dress instead of a winter dress.
...it's dark outside.
...she has to pee again.
I'm sure all of this madness through the pregnancy will give us a few laughs down through the years afterwards. But for now lads, beware.