It's 2021 folks and the countdown is truly on to the due date. Less that 13 weeks to go and as we enter the 3rd trimester it's squeaky bum time. I took a bit of a break over the festive period, to unwind, spend some quality time with my other half and to leave my laptop well and truly alone. I spend enough time on the bastard thing. Anyway, over the course of the break I noticed something which has led me to coming up with 'The Grunt Scale'.
What is the Grunt scale you might be wondering? Well, this is a scale of how many grunts will be made by a pregnant woman to complete a task. It also includes a mention of a new standing position you will find your wife/partner doing to complete certain tasks too.
As with any scale, the grunts will vary. Also, as my wife enters the 3rd trimester I can see the number of grunts of particular tasks increasing as the due date draws closer.
The Grunt Scale
I apologize in advance if this shatters any glass ceilings in your minds lads and you can't help but notice the grunts even more after reading.
Sitting & Standing
We'll start with sitting down & standing up. Once an easy task for your wife/partner, the first trimester would illicit 1 grunt at most with getting in & out of a car or up off the couch. The second trimester however those grunts grow from 2 to often 4 grunts and as we enter the 3rd trimester I'm hearing 6 grunts. 12 more weeks of pregnancy... lord knows how high on the Grunt scale she'll reach.
While we're on sitting down & standing up, putting on shoes or runners is now becoming a little more difficult for my wife with the increasing size of her bump. I hear 2/3 grunts for the right shoe before I hear a call for help to put on the left shoe.
Now, for some reason the left shoe is more difficult to put on? Maybe there is a reason for this that I'm missing?
On a positive note, I'm practicing tying someone's shoelaces again. I haven't tied someone's shoelaces since my little brother was 3. Will come in handy down the line I suppose.
Perhaps with your help and 5 to 6 grunts from your wife/partner. She is now upright and ready to walk. Walking in the first trimester was a doddle, in the second trimester it's a woddle. This woddle currently generates 3/4 grunts every 20 steps or so.
Now the grunt scale for walking can vary greatly depending on the terrain, weather, incline, you being an annoying bastard etc. So, expect a few more grunts (6 to 8 grunts) along with a couple of fucks after a hill, your wife/partner telling you again 'how fit' they used to be and a few big exhales.
On a side note, your wife/partner will add extra grunts on your walk if she's dying for a wee. As her bladder has now been reduced to the size of a shot glass and she has a little drunk inside her, I mean baby, kicking the Be-Jesus out of it.
If you have stairs in your house. Expect maybe 1 grunt in early pregnancy for the whole set of stairs and 1 grunt every second step in the second trimester. 3rd trimester coming up? I'm expecting inaudible grunting for every single step.
Picking Up Stuff of the Ground
Often times, my wife will just use the Pregnancy card. She sees it as simply not worth the effort involved in picking said item up. The first trimester, she was grand at picking things up off the ground. Second trimester is whole different kettle of fish, for obvious bump shaped reasons.
Firstly, you have what I like to call, the 'Giraffe Stance'. A giraffe will spread their legs very wide to bend down to get a drink. So, expect your wife or partner to spread their legs (steady on, ye dirty mind feckers). Then grunt once loudly for a period of 5-7 seconds as they bend down to get the item. Expect the same gutural grunt on the return journey to back upright.
Listening To You
I'll keep this short and sweet lads. First trimester you'll get no grunts. Second trimester expect 1 grunt at the beginning of the conversation followed by "What?". And another grunt at the end of the conversation with "Is that it?"
As my wife's bump gets bigger her tolerance for my shit talk diminishes... Another reason for this... I'm the one who put this baby in her.
Moving swiftly on.
In the first trimester, my wife had no heartburn. And I can't recall her having it before she was pregnant. The second trimester however? She is popping Rennie to beat the band.
When her heartburn is particularly bad. The Grunt scale registers a grunt every 30 seconds. My advice if this is happening. Lob on any action movie on Netflix and the grunts kinda work as some form of live surround sound.
'Man crashes through a window'... wife grunts... my brain registers it as a well placed sound effect.
Having No Clothes to Wear
The only benefit of having no where to go with another lockdown is that my wife doesn't have to find clothes to wear for events or to simply go out.
As my wife's bump has gotten bigger her clothes have naturally stopped fitting as well as they usually do. This was always going to register a few grunts on the grunt scale.
My wife is getting ready and I'll hear loads of movement upstairs. Hangers crashing on the ground, which means the bed is now covered in clothes, followed by more movement.
Then a big Grunt...
Then... 'Rob, come here....I have no clothes'.
Followed by me explaining just how gorgeous I think she looks so we can go to do the Food shop.
More Grunts to Come
I won't lie, I'm quietly delighted that due to the lockdown we aren't going anywhere so I get to avoid multiple "I have no clothes" moments. But as we enter the 3rd trimester on Thursday the 7th of Jan and with the bump only going to get bigger. I'm expecting plenty of others grunts to make up for that.
Then at the end of that trimester... well we'll hit, the crescendo we'll call it, of the grunt scale.