I'm a Dad for just a little over 9 weeks... I'm just taking a minute to let that thought sink in... Bloody hell, that flew. Anyway, over the past 9 weeks, I have noticed a few things that annoy new Parents.
Well, I noticed them inside this mad head of mine and it annoyed me a a bit.
So, I thought it my duty to share them and my annoyance. Just in case you cross paths with a New Mom or Dad.
Hearing about How to Parent from Someone Who doesn't have kids.
I enjoy hearing about how to parent from someone who doesn't have kids as much I love a swift right foot to my ball sack!
"What's that Christina? I should settle my baby and stop her crying by doing clockwise turns in the direction of the magnetic north pole singing "Ain't no mountain high enough", all while bouncing up and down on one foot is it? Could you please show me your collection of serene and calm newborns? What's that? You don't have... I think it best you get your coat there love."
I'll happily take on board advice or tips off someone who's been through it. You should try this, this happened to us, or do that, we used X & Y.
But if you've not looked a crying baby in the eye as they scream bloody murder and hit serious decibel levels as you franticly figure out what happened in the last 10 seconds to make them so upset. Kindly keep it shut.
When someone gets annoyed your late
As new parents, your days are based around a baby's needs and let's be honest babies are useless. They can do feck all for themselves. They can barely keep their own heads up for feck sake. The only thing a newborn can do for itself is breath, cry, wee and destroy a nappy in spectacular fashion mind you.
Your time kinda gets taken up making sure well, they don't die, and that's time-consuming. So, when you arrive at an event a tad bit late don't get annoyed at them. They're probably late from dealing with yet another explosion from one of their orifices.
"Are you sleeping when baby sleeps?"
There is no way you won't hear this as a new parent. You'll turn to the person, with bags under your eyes and go. "Does my face look like I've slept well? I'm not so much sleeping as much as I'm lying in bed with my eyes closed listening to make sure the baby hasn't stopped breathing, have they spat out a dummy, have they spat up a heap of milk in the co-sleeper or asking your partner what the hell that sound was and who's turn it is to change them."
"Wait, I don't want to know what that sound is".
"He Doesn't look like you?"
Ah cheers nice one.
We just spend every waking hour looking after them, thinking about the next feed, their needs and we entertain them. Then you rock up for a 45-minute visit and drop a comment like that.
Yeah, no no no, you're right. They do look like your distant second cousin Mildred on your mother's side that I've never seen or heard of. The spit of her you say. My wife grew her in her womb for 9 months, why would there be any resemblance.
"What are they eating?"
Well, mainly my wife's left boob and right boob!
C'mon, they're a baby. It's breastmilk/formula and repeat every couple of hours. It's not like they're throwing their name in for a Chinese on a Friday night.
"Put me down for a Kung Po Chicken and some prawn crackers there Dad like a good man."
"Should you be drinking coffee?"
This is one for the Moms. But yes we know it contains caffeine. Something they haven't had in 9 months and is now suffering from sleep deprivation and tiredness from breastfeeding. Coffee it is so, for a happy functioning Mom... and member of society.
"I thought you weren't going to use a certain sleep aid?"
Ok, I said a lot of stupid shit before the baby arrived. Thanks for reminding me what a bell-end I was. "I'm now of the school of thought Barbara, that I will use every sleep aid to under the sun to get the baby down. And not just a wholegrain organic and sustainable type of sleep aid".
"Aren't they meant to be awake more now/crawling/laughing/[insert other milestones]?
You know what, perhaps. Unfortunately, they haven't read that chapter in the baby milestone book and weren't aware of your high expectations for being entertained by a newborn. I'll let them know though.
"Do you need a break?"
Would love one. How does 3:30am suit Wednesday?
"When are you having the next one?"
Eh, this one just arrived. Are you not entertained?...we'll get back to you on that one there.
"Back in my day... or When you were young..."
I'll stop ya right there, just don't. Please, just don't. (They continue anyway and you stand there and wonder to yourself did you somehow borrow the cloak of invisibility from that Harry Potter chap).
We don't need to hear the same story/stories again, we know them word for word, the time of day, the weather and what bloody blouse you were wearing.
Have I missed anything?
I'm bound to have missed something. Broken sleep would do that as a fella. Was there anything you heard as a new parent that annoyed you? Be a legend and throw it in the comments below.